In Search of the Surrogate
We were absolutely elated when we created 6 embryos but we were not quite prepared for the next phase of the journey ahead of us. We knew this was going to be a tough and lengthy journey.
We did not know where to start but knew that literrally and figuratively telling your story to anyone who would listen + social media was going to be key to finding and connecting potential surrogates.
Of course this was not going to be like any other journey we had embarked on, plus we were faced with a pandemic that is COVID-19. This meant going in and out of lockdowns and figuring out how to work, live, play at home. It has been a emotional rollercoaster to say the least.
We have managed to go to a couple of in-person meetups and met so many amazing people that have been through similar journey. We met other intending parents, surrogates, retired surrogates, egg donors all with so much love. We learned so much. So much about the process. So much about different family make up. So much about different reasons people need surrogacy.
Our search started with a post on our instagram, facebook, and NZ surrogacy forum. This was a daunting task, what photos do we include, what do we share, are we sharing too much, too little. We put the post out in March 2020. It felt like forever waiting for those likes and messages to come through, then anxiously responding back and trying to find out more about each person along the way.
In July 2020, we started talking to someone and we had that feeling like you first crush, dating for the first time, we had absolute hope. We've learned a lot about each other chatting. We met in-person between lockdowns and had a great time getting to know each other. It was amazing to find her and that she would consider being a surrogate for someone. Our values, communication style, and the support we all had from extended families and friends felt like it couldn't be more perfect. We continued to build relationship with each other over lockdowns. But life got in the way and being the surrogate was not something she could put her energy into anymore. In Octoboer 2020, our first real chance at finding a surrogate came to an end.
It felt like a lifetime, but it was only a few months later in December 2o20 we connected with another person who wanted to get to know us more. Our hearts filled with hope again. We got to know each other quickly and knowing her experience with children made us really comfortable. Age was a concern and we reached out to our counsellor for some advice. They advised us age and family not being completed would be issues for ECART. But it was not impossible. We were going to continue building the relationship. We did not live in the same part of New Zealand but we did managed to meet in person. We have shared so much about each other including families, we found that some of our values we had did not align and that was going to be a challenge. We were still hopeful, but our hearts and minds started to fill with doubts and we mutually decided to part ways in February 2021.
We felt defeated, depressed, and helpless, with added weight of returning back in to lockdown. We started to feel maybe it was never going to happen for us and our best option was going to be looking for commercial surrogacy from the US. We always had US commercial surrogacy as our plan B but all the risks associated with global pandemic plus the high cost we were not ready to explore it. It was very emotionally heavy time for us.
But before too long, we started talking to someone again. It started more as a friend and as someone who had been through the process she really helped us putting things in perspective. The release of talking through everything was exactly what we needed. Through all this we got to know a bit about her family and eventually we met in person for a coffee as all of us happened to be travelling in the same part of NZ at the same time. We discussed possibility of surrogacy but life had its way again. There were other prioirities that required her energy and time. Ultimiately this potential match for surrogacy ended in May 2021, we havekept in touch and developed a friendship.
By July 2021, we started to talk to another person. We built the relationship getting to know each other online then we went through a long list of questions and what-if scenarios early on. We were visiting the part of NZ she lived and we met in-person. By this point in pandemic, we were used to doing everything virtually but meeting in-person gave so much more depth to conversation and sped up the discussion. There were some areas that we had to work on, as no relationship is a perfect match but we all felt good. We agreed to meet the whole family next time we were going to be around the part of NZ. Lockdown hit us again in Auckland, the longest and toughest lockdown, once again our lives went on hold, and we had to cancel our trip. Pandemic had worn everyone down at this point, and not just those living in Auckland. We stayed in touch but ultimately other life priorities took hold and communication tapered off by October 2021.
As we entered our longest lockdown in August 2021, we began speaking to yet another person. We were upfront about another person we were building relationship with since July. We felt we needed to try building more than one relationship at the time by this point. Initial conversations are always challenging as we get to know each other but we had also learnt to discuss all issues as early as possible. We built a lot trust in each other quickly and felt nothing was left unturned. We met in-person with her entire family for pinic during level 3 once picnics were allowed as part of loosening restrictions. Shortly after, very shortly after, our first in-person picnic meeting she informed us the family had agreed they'd help us become parent’s via surrogacy, we agreed to move to next stage. Next stage was for us to get in touch with the clinic and start ECART process! We were pinching ourselves and we were overjoyed. We had never come this far before and this was an absolute milestone in our journey. We knew there was still a lot to do but this was an amazing feeling.
Resources
- https://nz-surrogacy.com - The OG forum and wealth of information on Surrogacy, Egg donation, Sperm donation, Adoption, IVF, and all of those issues that go with infertility
- NZ IVF, Surrogacy, Donorship, Adoption Support Facebook group
- Donor Conception and Surrogacy Network NZ Facebook group
- Finding a Surrogate - New Zealand Facebook group
- Gay Dads in New Zealand Facebook group
- Love Makes a Family great resources including FAQs and ways to connect with intending parents, surrogates, donors